Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
