Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
