dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
