I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
