I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
