When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
