i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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