I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
