My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she smelled like a LAN party
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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