Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
