Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
