Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
