I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
