just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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