do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
