I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
