I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
