ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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