Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
