Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There are leaves in my underwear?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
