I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize