Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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