I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
