so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
