i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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