So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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