I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
