garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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