Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Im part way to drunk.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
