I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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