fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
