Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
this must be what syphilis tastes like
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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