We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i need some magic done to my vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
