sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize