He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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