She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
