She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
