Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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