Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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