dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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