There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize