There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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