Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
