i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
two words: eviction party
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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