sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
