No awkward lesbian experiences without me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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