is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize