Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
