i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
