when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
