ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
