They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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