I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
