i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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