All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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