Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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