Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize