Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
