dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
