fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize