Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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