She is in my trunk
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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