he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
