The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
