hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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