I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize