Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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